Category Archives: Mental Health

Anxiety, Depression, Healthy Living, Managing Stress, Mental Health

Hope is the Bird That Sings

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul—and sings the tunes without words and never stops at all.”
— Emily Dickinson

Hope if the thing - when the bird sings
Image by: ryk-naves-b_-KVgWg_YM-unsplash

This is a beautiful message that I wanted to share with alll of you. (Reprinted with permission from Whitney Johnson – WLJAdvisors.)

I was twenty-one years old and freshly arrived in Montevideo, Uruguay, from the United States.

For the next 18 months I wasn’t going to see my family or friends––,we would communicate via letter only, except for a phone call home on Christmas and Mother’s Day. I’d chosen to come to this far-flung place as a missionary, but reality was setting in. Jet-lagged and homesick, I opted for a nap.

I was roused from my slumber sooner than I would’ve liked to discover something wonderful was happening outside my bedroom window. Birds were chirping—not just one or two, but dozens—a grand welcoming chorus. I’d left winter at home; in Uruguay it was spring.

“Hope is the thing…that perches in the soul.”

Over the past few months, I’ve had to make choices. We’re all having to make choices about what future world we want to build out of the rubble of the present.

Will we choose to give up, give in to existential despair, or will we choose hope that in the end all will be well. That spring will come again?

To be clear, there are different kinds of hope. And some ‘hopes’, we would do well to relinquish. Hope that present circumstances would suddenly be different, that bad things that have happened hadn’t happened. These are really wishes, and unfulfillable. As Beverly Flanigan said, “Forgiveness is giving up hope of ever having a better past.” 

The past can’t be changed, only our perspective of it. And some of our proximate hopes, things we anticipated rolling our way in the near future, need to be abandoned as well, in favor of longer term, ultimate hopes.

Because as much as we need hope, we don’t need false hope. Which is the subject of this week’s podcast, an interview with Kelly Goldsmith (yes, daughter of one of my wonderful mentors!). I find the conclusions of her research refreshing and helpful during a time of limited resources, and pronounced feelings of scarcity.

Kelly suggests that scarcity itself isn’t the issue, but the absence of hope. When we know that something is truly gone—the boyfriend isn’t coming back, the money is lost, life as we’ve known it has permanently changed—we can mourn the loss and then lean into the constraint that has been created to grow in a different direction. Ironically, it’s when we’re still clinging to unrealizable hopes, uncertain, that we feel scarcity and those feelings become problematic.

People crave certainty, which is hard to come by, but if it’s certain that something is gone and not coming back, it’s better to face it. That’s loss, not scarcity, and when we know something is truly lost we can move on, rather than compensating in ultimately self-defeating ways. If there is hope, let people feel hope. If there isn’t, don’t string people along, inadvertently creating scarcity, thinking it’s kinder. It’s not.

Are you allowing people to feel hope about something that you shouldn’t?

Are you trapped in futile hope for a better past that you need to free yourself from?

What are you willing/able to choose to do to help build a more hopeful future?

Maybe it’s continuing to social (physical) distance when you’ve grown weary of distancing. Or thinking about not only the financial implications, but the long-term public health implications of the virus? Is it extending yourself, providing work for others, when you’d rather save your money for you and yours? Or even finding ways to serve, not necessarily where you want to serve, but where you’re needed?

Then there are the small things you can do. The delicate, little live things. Picking mint from the garden, putting it in a Mason jar with water and lots of ice. Washing dishes with your family after a home-cooked meal. Pushing open the window to listen to the birdsong. Whenever I hear the song of a bird, my heart sings with hope.

In your moments when you want to give up—even just a little—what can you do to rekindle hope? What gives you hope?

 

Anxiety, Depression, Depression, Mental Health, Social Distancing

How are you dealing with social distancing?

Video

Social Distancing - Stay Home Sign
Image by Logan Weaver @Unsplash

I am not looking forward to another month of social distancing (quarantine), or even another day.

How about you? How are you doing?

Are you sad, worried, afraid, or all of that, and more?

The whole idea of social distancing goes against human nature. We are wired to be touched from birth until the day we die. There is even a condition known as touch deprivation that can have serious and long-lasting negative effects on health.

But . . . for now . . .  we must practice social distancing to protect ourselves and others from the virus, regardless of how much we hate it .

The lucky ones are people with families who have each other to fill the need for human touch, but many are alone and isolated. I happen to be one of those.

I’m surviving, but forced isolation is not fun!

I’m stuck on an emotional roller coaster ride from which I cannot escape. The uncertainty of how long the isolation will last intensifies my anxiety.

Sometimes I’m OK and can accept that this is a situation over which I have no control. I use my time productively to research and write; then, suddenly – I’m not OK. The walls close in and I wander through a quagmire of fear and doubt, wishing this would all go away. I question if I will make it through unscathed and worry about catching the virus and dying alone.

It’s a relief when I can shake the depression, pull myself together, and become productive again but, I know it’s only a matter of time until I fall into the worry pit for the umpteenth time.

Up and down – up and down – It is not a fun ride.

Have You Discovered the Gift?

During these long, uncertain days and possibly weeks or months ahead, I hope that all of you who are lucky enough to be confined with loved ones will realize that you have been given a wonderful gift – extended time with the most important people in your life.

I encourage you to use the time wisely.

It is the perfect opportunity to do things together that make everyone smile, to get to know each other in ways that your previously busy lives didn’t allow,  to enjoy long quiet talks about hopes and dreams, to hold them close, and to let them know how grateful you are that you are together.

What About the Not so Fortunate?

Let’s get out of our heads by helping people who are alone. They may be family members (mom/dad, grandmother/grandfather, aunt/uncle, cousin), friend or work colleague, or neighbor.

Social Distancing - Older Man at Door
Image by Andre Ouellet@unsplash

We can’t visit physically, so it will require some creativity to findways to lessen their feelings of being cut off from the world. One thing we can do is to check-in every few days; let them know we are thinking about them.

Texting is better than no contact but, let’s be more personal – use facetime, or have a group gathering via ZOOM or SKYPE. Spend quality virtual time. Talk about anything and everything – laugh and have fun.

If they are on the same emotional roller coaster I am on, knowing that someone is there for them can be a critical factor in how they deal with this horrific challenge.

Social Distancing Is Not New!

As I thought about what to say in this post, it occurred to me that we have been practicing social distancing for some time without realizing it. The busyness epidemic, our obsession with technology, and the practice of communicating primarily through texting have separated us by choice. We have lost sight of the fact that we need human touch to remain mentally and physically at our best. Man (or woman) was not meant to be alone.

Realizing the deep-seated need for regular human connection and physical contact may be the silver lining in this terrible dark cloud that has descended on the world. It is a chance to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to each other again – to reach out physically – to hug and hold those we love – to get back in the habit of talking face-to-face with family, friends, and neighbors – to be kind, caring, and respectful toward others, and to come out of this darkness into a better world.

We can start today by holding close the loved ones in our homes and supporting those who are alone.

Social distancing may be required, but emotional distancing is not!

We have the power to make a difference in many lives by holding each other close.

Be safe – stay well!

Nancy

Quote of the Day

Even the smallest act of caring for another person is like a drop of water - it will make ripples throughout the entire pond. - Jessy and Bryan Matteo Click To Tweet

 

Related Posts:  Don’t Be Rude When You Can Be Kind

Healthy Living, Managing Stress, Mental Health

Don’t Be Rude When You Can Be Kind!

What happened to common courtesy and dood manners?

They used to be the norm – but, are now practically non-existent.

When I observe simple acts of kindness and respectful behavior it is almost startling because it is such a rare experience.

The anonymity of social media seems to have created a breeding pool for poor behavior that is spilling over into daily actions for the majority.

Being on the receiving end of rude behavior is extremely unpleasant – so, let’s not be guilty of the ones who are being rude.

It’s Time to Dust Off Your Manners

Don't be rude - Good manners show respect

There is no excuse for being rude and disrespectful. It is selfish and immature behavior that reflects a complete lack of concern for anyone except yourself.

My theory is that rude behavior begins at home. When children are allowed to be rude and disrespectful to family members (including their parents), it becomes a way of life when dealing with people in any situation. It’s the only behavior they know.

It’s time to change!

Unfortunately, we cannot control others’ behavior, but we can control our own.

You and I can choose to be kind and courteous to others – family, friends, associates, colleagues, clerks, service agents, and strangers. YES, I’m talking about EVERYONE.

Being polite and showing respect for others will never go out of style (maybe buried under a pile of “you know what”) – but never lost unless people accept perpetual rudeness as a way of life.

Respectful behavior that is fueled by kindness is the foundation of a good life and a joyful society.

. . . and it starts with you and me dusting off our manners and displaying common courtesy even single day.

To pique your memory, I have compiled a list of common courteous behaviors from years past. They are not difficult to perform, but if they are not currently part of your behavioral patterns, it may take time and practice for them to become automatic, as they should be.

  • Get in the habit of saying please and thank you!
  • Say hello and goodbye when entering and leaving a room or group of people.
  • Stop swearing in public.
  • Say, “I’m sorry” when you bump into someone.
  • When meeting someone for the first time, smile and introduce yourself.
  • Give an elderly or handicapped person, or pregnant lady your seat on the bus or subway.
  • Cover your mouth when you yawn, sneeze, cough, burp, etc. and say, “Excuse me.”
  • Put your phone away in public! Don’t text or scroll through messages while walking, driving, or during a face-to-face conversation with someone. Phones should be used when you are sitting/standing alone and you will not disturb anyone else.
  • Hold the door open for those behind you or for anyone who may need help.

Let the other person enter the building, the room or the elevator first.

  • Promptly R.S.V.P to any invitation.
  • Send thank-you notes (preferably handwritten) for dinner parties, gifts, etc.
  • Acknowledge and accept differences of opinions (even on social media) – acknowledgment is not agreement.

Introductions

Don't be rude - say hello politely
Credit-phototechno-iStock

  • Always introduce people to each other.
  • Make introductions immediately
  • When you are being introduced, listen carefully and remember names.
  • Respond – “It’s nice to meet you.”
  • Ask a question to let them know you are interested in who they are.
  • When leaving, say, “It’s nice to have met you.”

Polite Conversation

  • When someone says hello – smile and say hello back (or be the first to say it)
  • Listen attentively without interrupting – let the other person finish before you speak.
  • Be kind and respectful in your response to others.
  • Consider all opinions – you don’t have to agree, but be willing to listen.
  • Respond to questions with kindness and respect.

These are only a sampling of good manners. There is so much more but these are a good place to start.

Model the behavior you would like to see in your children and would enjoy when in the company of others.

We usually get back what we put out into the world. Let’s start putting out kindness and respect! That is today’s challenge! 

Are you up for it? I hope so.

Related Posts:

From the Reader’s Digest –  50 Little Etiquette Rules You Should Always Practice

Empowerment, Healthy Living, Managing Stress, Mental Health

Want to Change the BUSY Habit? Saying No is the First Step

Are you crazy busy all the time?

Do you often feel that you don’t even have time to breathe?

Being busy to a point can be a good thing, but being “too busy” all the time is not!

Why are you so busy?  That is the question!

The answer may be as simple as – you are not saying NO enough.  You may be trying too hard to please others, to get them to like you, to fit in, to fulfill a sense of obligation or responsibility,  or maybe being busy has become a badge of honor that signifies your importance in the world.

Whatever the reason . . . it’s time to change!

Just Say No carved on Tree Trunk

When every minute of the day is focused on doing what others want you to do that there is little or no time for things that matter to you – you are putting your mental and physical health at risk.

James Altucher states in his book The Power of No,

When you say yes to something you don’t want to do, here is the result: you hate what you are doing, you resent the person who asked you, and you hurt yourself. Click To Tweet

Saying NO Can Be Difficult – but Necessary

You can’t do everything – choices must be made. If you are caught in the YES trap because you cannot bring yourself to say NO, your life will be controlled by everyone around you. You are living for others, not for yourself.

Your daily habits define your life. What you do repeatedly day-in and day-out is what you become good at doing.  If you want to change a behavior, you must destroy the root of the problem.

If you are too busy, the root of the problem is probably your inability to so NO.

NO is an incredibly powerful word! Learning to say it can change your life.

Think about the impact of saying no to foods you shouldn’t eat, to things you don’t want or shouldn’t do,  to taking on others’ responsibilities, to people who make unreasonable demands on you, to toxic relationships and just because it is your choice to say no

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One bite at a time, of course.

How do you stop saying yes?  With one NO at a time!

If you have been a habitual YES person most of your life, this change will not happen overnight – but you can make the change. Slay this particularly dangerous dragon one battle at a time. Small steps will deliver amazing results.

Start saying no in one particular area of your life.  Say no . . .

  • When your child or spouse asks you to do something they could (and should) do for themselves.
  • When a friend wants you to do something that holds zero interest for you.
  • When you are tempted to eat the second piece of candy (rather than stopping at one).
  • When your significant other asks you to have dinner with friends you do not want to be around.

You get the idea!

When your comfort level with saying no in that situation increases, choose another. Slowly, it will become easier and easier to say no when it is in your best interests.

A Daily Challenge

Challenge yourself to say a “difficult” NO at least once a day. Keep a record of your successes. Use an app on your phone (i.e. BEAR for IPhones or NOTEBOOK)  or keep a small notepad handy for quick recording when it happens.

Don’t worry when you falter and say yes instead of no.  Changing a deeply ingrained habit takes time. So, be patient with yourself and keep on keeping on.

Why Saying NO Is Important

  1. It is essential for your mental and physical well-being.
  2. You have a greater sense of control over your life.
  3. You have more time to do what you want to do.
  4. You will have more fun engaging in activities of your choice.
  5. People will respect you more.
  6. It establishes healthy boundaries in relationships.
  7. It sets clear expectations about what others can expect from you.
  8. And . . . many other reasons.

Keep in mind the words of Tim Harford, “Every time we say yes to a request, we are also saying no to anything else we might accomplish with the time.” Click To Tweet

 And . . .  time is your most important asset.  Pedro Sorrentino warns us, “If you don’t guard your time, people will steal it from you.” Click To Tweet

It’s time to stop being crazy busy by learning to say NO, and using your time in ways that will create the life you want to live.

 Related Post:  10 Crucial Practices for a Healthy Life

 A related article I highly recommend:  How to Say NO: 10 Powerful Tips

 

 

Mental Health, Working from Home

5 Proven Practices to Be Effective Working from Home

You suddenly find yourself working from home for an undetermined length of time.

Maybe it’s something you’ve thought about doing but never expected it to become a reality. And – suddenly, it is your life!

You may be thrilled and excited – or you may be wondering exactly how to make it work and to continue to produce at your highest level.

Working from home has been my way of life for years and there are five things that I found crucial for success. It is different from being in an office (a controlled working environment), and adjustments must be made.

If you implement the following five suggestions – from the beginning and be consistent in using them, you will be successful.

1.    Establish a Designated Workspace

Ideally, this would be a separate room designated as your office only, with a door that can be closed when you are working.

Home OfficeIf a separate room is not possible, the next best choice is a corner of a room with a door that is used for other things but can be closed during your scheduled working hours.

If neither of those is possible, be creative! A large closet can be transformed into a very efficient workspace. One with doors that can be closed to keep your work untouched when you are not around is perfect.

Find the best place possible in your home, make it as private as you can, and enlist the support of your family to keep it untouchable – because it is where you “go to work” each day. 

2.  Create a Schedule and Follow It. 

This can often be the biggest challenge for first-timers working at home. The easiest schedule to follow is your regular work schedule – if your office hours have always been 8 to 5 with a half-hour for lunch, start there. After a few weeks, you can adjust it to fit your situation. If you can work more effectively in the wee hours of the morning, or late at night, go for it. But, whatever schedule you set, stick with it. Consistency is critical.

Get Up and Go to Work

When you are working at home,  you must keep regular working hours. You get up and go to work every day whether you want to or not. Plan exactly how you will use the time and stick to the schedule. You need a starting time, breaks, lunch, and a quitting time – follow it as closely as possible every day.

Take a 15-minute break every morning and afternoon. Don’t forget to stand up and stretch, do some deep knee bends, and walk the perimeter of the room a couple of times – then, back to work.

Set a time limit for breaks and lunch and stay within the limit. If you don’t, a 15-minute break can turn into an hour and a 30-minute lunch can turn into the whole afternoon.

You do not have to get up and shower, shave or put on make-up, but I recommend that you do those things anyway to keep you in a working frame of mind,

A big plus is that you have extra hours in the day because you no longer have to commute.   

Being a virtual employee is still a real job! Do your job every day – follow your schedule, stay focused, and get the job done! The key to productivity is discipline.

3.    Manage Distractions

No TV in the background, surfing the Internet, and checking/posting on social media.

With no one is looking over your shoulder, you must deal with the temptation to “watch just one program on TV” or have that second (or third) cup of coffee before you sit down to work.

If you have a family, you have the possibility of frequent interruptions, noise, and unexpected distractions. Enlist your family’s support by asking them to agree to respect your schedule and understand that during working hours you are unavailable.

The more disciplined and consistent you are, the more your family will accept that you are working – just as you always have. They will eventually realize the only difference is that you are doing it at home.

Just because management is out of sight – they should not be out of mind. You do not have free rein to do whatever you feel like doing throughout the day just because you are at home.

It is a good idea at the end of each day to make a list of things you need to accomplish the next day, which helps you to stay on track – preventing the temptation to flit from one thing to another, randomly doing whatever comes to mind. Disorganization results in low productivity and potential failure in the long-run.

A plan for how you will use your working hours can be as simple as dividing your day into blocks of time and assigning a category of work to each chunk of time. Google Calendar is a useful tool for planning and includes daily reminders of what you should be doing at certain times of the day.

A solid work ethic, self-discipline and the ability to stay focused (on-point) are three key characteristics that you will find in all successful self-employed or virtual employees. If those characteristics are already part of your make-up, you are WAY ahead of the game. If not, the faster you develop them, the faster you will realize the success you are seeking.

4.    Enlist Your Family’s Support

Your family may not understand at first that nothing has changed about the work you do, except the location in which you are doing it. Talk to them about the change and what it will mean for them.

Post a schedule of your work hours on the door, or a wall near your desk and ask them to honor the time you are “at work.”  There should be no interruptions except in cases of life and death emergencies.

Do Not Distrub Sign for Doorknow A “do not disturb” sign on the door can be very effective. You should also make it clear that when the sign is on the doorknob, the only acceptable form of communication is texting, to which you will not reply unless it is an emergency.

One of the problems that can develop from your being at home all day is that you should be available and willing to play with them, talk to them, or help them with something anytime they ask. 

These problematic infringements on your time are easier to combat when you are clear about the situation, and you have a work schedule in place that you follow religiously.

There should be no question in their minds (or yours) about what you are doing. It is important to have clear rules about when you are available and when you are not.

5.    Be Disciplined and Consistent

You may be thinking, “Working from home will be a piece of cake, no worries,” and brush off the suggestions I have given you.

Mastering unexpected change in a daily long-term routine requires self-discipline together with consistent and focused effort. You must be willing to invest the necessary time and effort for as long as it takes, without relenting, until you have developed a new rhythm and flow to the way you do your work in this new environment.

Developing this kind of disciplined consistency as a virtual employee is usually most difficult in the beginning. You will never be as productive in your new working environment as you were in the office if you are not willing and able to put forth consistent and focused effort over time.

Good luck and enjoy the ride. Working virtually can be a rich and rewarding experience if you choose to take the necessary steps that will make it so.